Still wishing on a star

OK.
Where to begin?

How about the beginning.

Waaaay back in September 2007 I found a little blurb on the Walt Disney World website announcing the Walt Disney World Moms Panel .. it was going to be a group of "moms" whose passion for Disney made them the go-to Disney vacation planning expert in their family/neighborhood/office/city.

Of course, I applied.

A few weeks later I received an email saying "thanks for applying" but I wasn't chosen to move on. Repeat the same events for September 2008....with the same results. Both times I was bummed out, but I knew there would be another chance.

In 2009, just as the Disney online community seemed to explode, I again applied for the Moms Panel. This time, I made it to Round 2. I was thrilled. Elated. On cloud 9. I was thisclose to realizing my dream of being a member of the Walt Disney World Moms Panel.

During this time I was also becoming friends with some of the most incredible people I know ... we had connected through our love for Disney, but the connection was so much deeper. I count these people as my confidants, my sounding boards, my cheerleaders, but most importantly, my FRIENDS.

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I did not make it past Round 2 for the Moms Panel that year. I was, in a word, devastated. I really, truly felt like that was my year to make the panel. But, it was not meant to be.

Last year when September rolled around, it was once again time to apply for the Moms Panel. As much as I held out hope that I'd receive the coveted Round 2 email, I had resigned myself to the fact that my answers were not worthy of moving past the first round. And I was right. That being said, I was still crushed when I received the dreaded "thanks but no thanks" email.

This year I went into the application process with a renewed sense of faith, trust and pixie dust. I was ready to give it my all...and I really, truly thought I did. I let my love of Disney shine through in my answers..and yet, it still wasn't enough.

This afternoon we were shocked to discover that the Round 2 emails were going out for the 2012 Moms Panel search. On a Saturday. And so, I glued myself to my computer...simultaneously checking my email, Facebook, Twitter, and the DIS boards for about 90 minutes.

This year I was hoping, wishing, and hoping some more that I would at least make it to Round 2. That my love and passion for Disney would shine through in my 100 word answers. That I would have a chance.

That was not what happened. At 3:46 p.m. I received the "thank you" email. I knew as soon as I saw the subject line that my Moms Panel dreams were dashed once again.

As disappointed as I was last year, this year is different for some reason. I am shockingly more disappointed and sad this year. It's not a feeling of rejection, it's more a feeling of "what in the world am I doing/saying wrong?" and "why not me?"

Yes, I guess I am having a little pity party over here for myself.

This Moms Panel dream ... it's a big dream.
It's magical.
And it's wonderful.
And for another year, it's just a dream.
And quite honestly, it's a hard pill to swallow this time around.

I'm a firm believer in "if you dream it, you can do it"...but right now I have to wonder if maybe my dream is just unattainable. What if it's not a "realistic" dream, but is instead something will forever remain just out of reach? I know some of this is just me being cynical at this moment, but it's hard to feel completely positive tonight.

I want this so very much.
More than I've wanted anything in a very long time.
Maybe I want it too much?
Is it possible to dream too much?
To think the nearly impossible is almost possible?
I don't know.

What I do know is at this very moment MY dream, my Disney Moms Panel dream, is over for another year and I don't quite know what to do about it.

For the time being, I'm going to cry some more tears and then drown my sorrows in many Halloween Oreos.

And maybe next week, or the week after that, I'll allow myself to dream about the Moms Panel once again.