Holy Toledo.
It's a blogging miracle.
Another Thursday, another blog post -- and they're only a week apart.
Yeah, don't get too excited. I doubt this will happen again.
But I had to write this down before I forget.
Because, today we're going to talk about Fibro Fog, also know as brain fog.
Of all the shitty things caused by Fibromyalgia, the brain fog is THE WORST.
Yes, the constant aches and pains suck. A lot.
But brain fog?
I hate it.
I used to consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, pre-fibro.
Now?
Most days I feel like a complete idiot at some point or another.
Either I'm forgetting shit I shouldn't forget or I can't form a complete sentence, or I say something totally opposite of what I meant to say -- none of which makes me sound like I'm smart. And sometimes as the words are coming out of my mouth my brain is shouting "STOP! You're going to use the wrong word or mix up your words....and .... OH TOO LATE."
Forgetting stuff? Yeah. I hate it.
My lists have lists and then they make little baby lists.
Lists are like gremlins on my desk - they multiply daily.
And when I'm stressed out?
Fuhgettaboutit.
Stress = 1000% forgetful.
And ALL OF THIS makes me feel less than.
Sure I joke about how I can't remember shit, but to be totally honest it bums me out a lot.
I hate how brain fog makes me feel.
There's really nothing fun about it.
If there's ONE thing I wish I could give up when it comes to fibro, it's the brain fog. I'd take more constant body pains if the brain fog would just go away.
OK...now that I've bummed all of you out....I'm gonna go make some more lists so I remember things. ;-D
Showing posts with label fibro fog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fibro fog. Show all posts
4.19.2018
3.07.2017
A Top 10 List for Fibromyalgia
I'm coming up on my one year "anniversary" of being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Thinking I'll buy myself a cupcake and a venti caramel machiato to celebrate. [Sarcasm font deployed].
The other night as I painfully crawled into bed I started thinking about this blog post - which in itself is a dangerous notion because I can't remember shit most of the time. That I remembered some of what I wanted to write is AH-mazing.
As I thought about my life PF (pre-fibro) and how I feel now....every single day....it's kind of sad. I honestly can't remember the last time I didn't have some level of pain in my body. I'm sure it was some time back in late 2015, but that "old" me is gone.
One of my boards on Pinterest is labeled 'Fibro Girl' and it is where I post all the fibro-related pins I find, whether they're snarky ecards or "do this to feel better" ideas. Several of the pins are "things I wish people understood about fibro" memes.
And so, I thought I'd share a few things with you (my seven loyal readers....lol) about what I wish people understood about my fibro (because MY fibro might be totally different than your best friend's sister's boyfriend's mom's fibro).
1. Most days my pain level is a 2 or 3. [Click on photo below to see what these numbers mean]. On a rare occasion it'll be a 4. I have had a few days where I made it to 5. That's when I sleep and avoid people at all costs. But on any given day - including today and probably tomorrow - I'm a 2 or 3. Today I'd say I'm a 2 but might be headed toward a 3. Last night I was a strong 3. I had pain radiating from my shoulder blades into my collar bones. This morning Emma hugged me and it hurt. Pain is a daily thing for me.That's why they call it CHRONIC PAIN. I cannot remember the last time I didn't have some level of pain. Chew on that for a second. Chronic. Pain.
2. I'm not kidding when I say I don't want you to hug me. Or touch my arm or shoulder. Or grab my arm because something really exciting happened. Or pat me on the arm. Or the back. It really does hurt when people touch me. I'm not being overly-dramatic if you grab my arm (like one person at Emma's school is prone to do during meetings) and I say "OUCH. That hurts." I am super sensitive to being touched and quite frankly I don't like it. If I go in for a hug that's my way of saying it's OK to hug me. Otherwise, hands off me people.
3. Noise bothers me. A lot. If the TV is too loud (as my kids and husband are prone to do) I turn it down. If the whole family (all 10 of us) are together and everything is talking loudly it is literally like nails on a chalkboard to me. I can't handle it. If we're in a restaurant and it's really loud I can't handle it. The only way I can explain it is this: I can't think straight when it is too loud and it feels like my brain is short circuiting. I think I'm going to need headphones just to get through my flight to Orlando this weekend.
4. If I say I'm "OK" when you ask how I'm feeling, that doesn't mean that I'm feeling great (see #1 above). It just means that I don't feel like talking about how I really feel. Probably because I think you won't understand it.
5. I might joke about my shitty memory but my "fibro memory" and brain fog are seriously awful. I hate that I can't remember things without writing stuff down on at least two lists. I literally have a "to-do list" and a "don't forget to do this list." Most days, I will think "OK, I must do [insert random task here]" and if I get distracted even for a minute or two, game over. I won't remember what I was supposed to do. Brain fog takes all of this to a whole new level. My day can be going great and out of nowhere my train of thought derails and that's it. The only way I can explain it is this: it feels like a swarm of bees buzzing about in my head (like I literally have a bee or 20 in my bonnet) and I can't focus. On anything. That's when I walk away and take a nap and hope my brain reboots. I hate this feeling more than anything else because I feel stupid.
6. I am super moody, and the pain makes it worse. Sure I have good days where my mood is fine and all but....no shit, that can change on a dime. When I don't feel good - when the pain is closer to a high 3 or low 4 - that's when I get really snappish and you should probably avoid me. I also have a low tolerance for people in general when I feel like shit. You've been warned. ;-) [Ask Kevin how I act when I'm snappish. That guy deserves a f*cking medal for putting up with me when I'm in a "fibro mood.']
7. I have to take a pill to help me sleep at night. That pill has made me gain weight and I can't lose that weight. Which makes me feel even shittier than normal. Like, I'd love to lose 70 lbs (for reals) but the mere thought of exercising is exhausting. Lately, I've had to take 2 of those pills each night to help me sleep. Why? Because I am prone to wake up in the middle of the night with horrible pain in my elbows and hips and collar bones and if I take two pills I fall back to sleep easier. Imagine for a minute that you wake up in the middle of the night not because you heard a noise or because your husband is snoring but because you hurt SO MUCH that the simple act of rolling over in bed is excruciating. Welcome to my world.
8. I hate having fibro. Like for the longest time last year I kept thinking "this will go away and I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't be in pain." That hasn't happened. Which means I've had to accept this. I hate that going to the grocery store is exhausting. I hate that usually the simple act of taking a shower (especially on a 3-4 pain level day) is exhausting to the point that I have to sit in bed for 20-30 minutes just to regroup enough to walk downstairs. (Yes. Really. Taking a shower makes me tired.) I hate that as I'm sitting there typing I have flames of pain radiating out of my shoulders and collar bones and down into my elbows. I hate that my kids feel like they need to ask if they can give me a "real hug" or an "air hug." I hate that I feel like people will think I'm just being a complainer when I talk about how crappy I really feel.
9. The only thing I can do is power through every day. Even if I'm in pain (which remember IS every day) I have shit to get done. I have a job. I have laundry to do. I have meals to cook. I have ballet classes to drive to and basketball games to attend. I can't let fibro hold me back. And I will power through it ever single day. I have no other choice. But on any given day there might be one thing that sets me off - the weather, hormones, stress, lack of sleep, change in temperature, change in routine. This week it has been a four-day-long headache that sent me to bed at 8:45 Tuesday night because the pain was THAT bad and I felt that if I didn't go to sleep I would be sick. Like vomiting sick. I just never know what is going to be that thing that knocks me on my ass. At the end of this week it'll be the temperature change - which I can already feel BTW.
...and finally....
10. This. And this.
The other night as I painfully crawled into bed I started thinking about this blog post - which in itself is a dangerous notion because I can't remember shit most of the time. That I remembered some of what I wanted to write is AH-mazing.
As I thought about my life PF (pre-fibro) and how I feel now....every single day....it's kind of sad. I honestly can't remember the last time I didn't have some level of pain in my body. I'm sure it was some time back in late 2015, but that "old" me is gone.
One of my boards on Pinterest is labeled 'Fibro Girl' and it is where I post all the fibro-related pins I find, whether they're snarky ecards or "do this to feel better" ideas. Several of the pins are "things I wish people understood about fibro" memes.
And so, I thought I'd share a few things with you (my seven loyal readers....lol) about what I wish people understood about my fibro (because MY fibro might be totally different than your best friend's sister's boyfriend's mom's fibro).
1. Most days my pain level is a 2 or 3. [Click on photo below to see what these numbers mean]. On a rare occasion it'll be a 4. I have had a few days where I made it to 5. That's when I sleep and avoid people at all costs. But on any given day - including today and probably tomorrow - I'm a 2 or 3. Today I'd say I'm a 2 but might be headed toward a 3. Last night I was a strong 3. I had pain radiating from my shoulder blades into my collar bones. This morning Emma hugged me and it hurt. Pain is a daily thing for me.That's why they call it CHRONIC PAIN. I cannot remember the last time I didn't have some level of pain. Chew on that for a second. Chronic. Pain.
3. Noise bothers me. A lot. If the TV is too loud (as my kids and husband are prone to do) I turn it down. If the whole family (all 10 of us) are together and everything is talking loudly it is literally like nails on a chalkboard to me. I can't handle it. If we're in a restaurant and it's really loud I can't handle it. The only way I can explain it is this: I can't think straight when it is too loud and it feels like my brain is short circuiting. I think I'm going to need headphones just to get through my flight to Orlando this weekend.
4. If I say I'm "OK" when you ask how I'm feeling, that doesn't mean that I'm feeling great (see #1 above). It just means that I don't feel like talking about how I really feel. Probably because I think you won't understand it.
6. I am super moody, and the pain makes it worse. Sure I have good days where my mood is fine and all but....no shit, that can change on a dime. When I don't feel good - when the pain is closer to a high 3 or low 4 - that's when I get really snappish and you should probably avoid me. I also have a low tolerance for people in general when I feel like shit. You've been warned. ;-) [Ask Kevin how I act when I'm snappish. That guy deserves a f*cking medal for putting up with me when I'm in a "fibro mood.']
7. I have to take a pill to help me sleep at night. That pill has made me gain weight and I can't lose that weight. Which makes me feel even shittier than normal. Like, I'd love to lose 70 lbs (for reals) but the mere thought of exercising is exhausting. Lately, I've had to take 2 of those pills each night to help me sleep. Why? Because I am prone to wake up in the middle of the night with horrible pain in my elbows and hips and collar bones and if I take two pills I fall back to sleep easier. Imagine for a minute that you wake up in the middle of the night not because you heard a noise or because your husband is snoring but because you hurt SO MUCH that the simple act of rolling over in bed is excruciating. Welcome to my world.
8. I hate having fibro. Like for the longest time last year I kept thinking "this will go away and I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't be in pain." That hasn't happened. Which means I've had to accept this. I hate that going to the grocery store is exhausting. I hate that usually the simple act of taking a shower (especially on a 3-4 pain level day) is exhausting to the point that I have to sit in bed for 20-30 minutes just to regroup enough to walk downstairs. (Yes. Really. Taking a shower makes me tired.) I hate that as I'm sitting there typing I have flames of pain radiating out of my shoulders and collar bones and down into my elbows. I hate that my kids feel like they need to ask if they can give me a "real hug" or an "air hug." I hate that I feel like people will think I'm just being a complainer when I talk about how crappy I really feel.
9. The only thing I can do is power through every day. Even if I'm in pain (which remember IS every day) I have shit to get done. I have a job. I have laundry to do. I have meals to cook. I have ballet classes to drive to and basketball games to attend. I can't let fibro hold me back. And I will power through it ever single day. I have no other choice. But on any given day there might be one thing that sets me off - the weather, hormones, stress, lack of sleep, change in temperature, change in routine. This week it has been a four-day-long headache that sent me to bed at 8:45 Tuesday night because the pain was THAT bad and I felt that if I didn't go to sleep I would be sick. Like vomiting sick. I just never know what is going to be that thing that knocks me on my ass. At the end of this week it'll be the temperature change - which I can already feel BTW.
...and finally....
10. This. And this.
3.02.2017
Random Thursday Thoughts
I just ordered groceries online for the first time ever. This could actually be an amazing thing. If it goes well and they don't eff up my order (I requested "no substitutions" so as to limit the chance of effing it up), I might never leave my house again to go to the store.
We all know how I feel about people in general and if I don't have to leave home and participate in small talk with a checkout clerk things might be right in the world again.
So why am I finally hopping on the ClickList bandwagon? Because I'm really effing busy this week. Like I have Post-It notes for my Post-It notes. My desk looks like a tornado tore through the home office (and I'm fighting some wicked brain fog - I almost typed threw instead of through).
Basically I don't have time to shop for groceries. I can't go tonight because Kevin is at basketball practice with the kids and me going to the store without adult supervision after a long week is not a good idea. I don't have time to go tomorrow because my to-do list is birthing another to-do list.
It ain't pretty folks.
This week is kicking my ass.
I am trying to stay focused - which is why I have notes upon to-do lists upon bullet journal pages. I make lists for my lists.
Yesterday I sat down at my computer at 11:15 a.m. and didn't move until 3 p.m. No bathroom breaks, no snacks, nothing. Today was very similar.
I've been fighting brain fog and pain all week which just adds to the list making. I need to write everything down or I forget. For reals.
However, I am finding that making a "what's for dinner" page and a grocery list page in my BuJo (bullet journal people...keep up) has helped this week. Like I'll be sitting here and I'll think "oh! that sounds good for dinner" and I write down what I need.
And so...that is my week in a nutshell. There might not be enough Post-It notes to get me to the weekend.
The only thing that could make the whole grocery shopping from home thing better? If they gave out Venti Vanilla Lattes from Starbucks when you pick up the groceries.
A girl can dream.
We all know how I feel about people in general and if I don't have to leave home and participate in small talk with a checkout clerk things might be right in the world again.
So why am I finally hopping on the ClickList bandwagon? Because I'm really effing busy this week. Like I have Post-It notes for my Post-It notes. My desk looks like a tornado tore through the home office (and I'm fighting some wicked brain fog - I almost typed threw instead of through).
Basically I don't have time to shop for groceries. I can't go tonight because Kevin is at basketball practice with the kids and me going to the store without adult supervision after a long week is not a good idea. I don't have time to go tomorrow because my to-do list is birthing another to-do list.
It ain't pretty folks.
This week is kicking my ass.
I am trying to stay focused - which is why I have notes upon to-do lists upon bullet journal pages. I make lists for my lists.
Yesterday I sat down at my computer at 11:15 a.m. and didn't move until 3 p.m. No bathroom breaks, no snacks, nothing. Today was very similar.
I've been fighting brain fog and pain all week which just adds to the list making. I need to write everything down or I forget. For reals.
However, I am finding that making a "what's for dinner" page and a grocery list page in my BuJo (bullet journal people...keep up) has helped this week. Like I'll be sitting here and I'll think "oh! that sounds good for dinner" and I write down what I need.
And so...that is my week in a nutshell. There might not be enough Post-It notes to get me to the weekend.
The only thing that could make the whole grocery shopping from home thing better? If they gave out Venti Vanilla Lattes from Starbucks when you pick up the groceries.
A girl can dream.
2.16.2017
This Week
OK, so yes it's ONLY Thursday but lately (as Chris Hayes says) every day feels like 20. And this has been a long week.
I celebrated my birthday last week and by Sunday I was starting to feel 'off.' Pretty sure it was my body's way of telling me I had been overdoing things.
Sunday night I took my sleeping pill like a good little fibro patient and I SLEPT FOR SHIT. You ever have one of those night where you think you're sleeping but your brain is on FULL OVERDRIVE and therefore you're really not asleep? (Sorry. That's the only way I can describe it).
That was Sunday night.
Monday morning I was in a fog.
I actually told my parents and sister at lunch that I was feeling "fuzzy."
My brain felt like it was full of buzzing bees.
Sounds pleasant right?
I managed to make it through the whole day without failing too hard.
That night I took TWO sleeping pills.
Don't worry, my rheumatologist says that's OK.
Holy shit was that some good sleep.
I made it through Tuesday without much effort.
I actually felt OK.
Tuesday night I took two pills again.
More good sleep.
Yesterday I was irritable and cranky.
I blame PMS + Fibro.
It makes me super bitchy.
I took a 90 minute nap.
Wednesday night was not good.
Our dog crapped in our bedroom at 11 p.m.
I cannot handle smells like that (even before fibro I couldn't do it but now it's like a trillion times worse).
So...I "slept" on the couch.
In pain.
Today I struggled to stay focused on stuff.
I managed to keep my focus, barely.
But as the day went on I could feel it.
The aches and pains creeping into my hips, elbows, shoulders, back, and the tip of my left index finger. Yes, really. The tip of my left index finger hurts. A lot.
I'm doing my best to fight it right now but I think tomorrow might be a not-so-great day.
Here's hoping I'm wrong.
And that my friends has been this week in Fibroland.
I celebrated my birthday last week and by Sunday I was starting to feel 'off.' Pretty sure it was my body's way of telling me I had been overdoing things.
Sunday night I took my sleeping pill like a good little fibro patient and I SLEPT FOR SHIT. You ever have one of those night where you think you're sleeping but your brain is on FULL OVERDRIVE and therefore you're really not asleep? (Sorry. That's the only way I can describe it).
That was Sunday night.
Monday morning I was in a fog.
I actually told my parents and sister at lunch that I was feeling "fuzzy."
My brain felt like it was full of buzzing bees.
Sounds pleasant right?
I managed to make it through the whole day without failing too hard.
That night I took TWO sleeping pills.
Don't worry, my rheumatologist says that's OK.
Holy shit was that some good sleep.
I made it through Tuesday without much effort.
I actually felt OK.
Tuesday night I took two pills again.
More good sleep.
Yesterday I was irritable and cranky.
I blame PMS + Fibro.
It makes me super bitchy.
I took a 90 minute nap.
Wednesday night was not good.
Our dog crapped in our bedroom at 11 p.m.
I cannot handle smells like that (even before fibro I couldn't do it but now it's like a trillion times worse).
So...I "slept" on the couch.
In pain.
Today I struggled to stay focused on stuff.
I managed to keep my focus, barely.
But as the day went on I could feel it.
The aches and pains creeping into my hips, elbows, shoulders, back, and the tip of my left index finger. Yes, really. The tip of my left index finger hurts. A lot.
I'm doing my best to fight it right now but I think tomorrow might be a not-so-great day.
Here's hoping I'm wrong.
And that my friends has been this week in Fibroland.
1.19.2017
Thursday Thoughts
A few random thoughts on a Thursday....
So...tomorrow is basically the end of the world as we know it.
Are you going to watch the ringmaster take the oath of office?
I'm not.
I'll be working. And trying to avoid social media for a while.
And maybe day drinking.
Anyway...today is one of 'those' days - I feel like the week is catching up with me.
I've been waking up every night in a lot of pain.
And I've been fighting brain fog all week.
Today might be the day where it all catches up with me.
I'm all tingly from head to toe (not in a good way).
My shoulders ache. My elbows hurt to touch.
Oh and I have the concentration of a gnat right now.
It is taking all my energy to actually write semi-coherent sentences.
I think I need a nap.
Or a vacation.
Or both.
A nap on a beach.
That would be idea.
OK.
Enough blathering on and on.
I better get some work done before the fog takes over.
So...tomorrow is basically the end of the world as we know it.
Are you going to watch the ringmaster take the oath of office?
I'm not.
I'll be working. And trying to avoid social media for a while.
And maybe day drinking.
Anyway...today is one of 'those' days - I feel like the week is catching up with me.
I've been waking up every night in a lot of pain.
And I've been fighting brain fog all week.
Today might be the day where it all catches up with me.
I'm all tingly from head to toe (not in a good way).
My shoulders ache. My elbows hurt to touch.
Oh and I have the concentration of a gnat right now.
It is taking all my energy to actually write semi-coherent sentences.
I think I need a nap.
Or a vacation.
Or both.
A nap on a beach.
That would be idea.
OK.
Enough blathering on and on.
I better get some work done before the fog takes over.
10.06.2016
One of Those Weeks
I'm going to preface this post with an apology - I'm sorry all I'm writing about is my venting about life but right now that's what I've got and if you don't want to read it, move on. That's all.
I am having a week.
As in I'd like this week to be over because maybe next week will be better.
I can't even pinpoint when my week went to shit
I have been feeling "off" all week.
I'm irritable.
I'm cranky.
(Yes, some of it WAS PMS but whatever).
I can't concentrate.
Today it sort of all bubbled to the surface.
I was doing a good job of keeping this craptastic week on the down low but not today.
My focus was for crap.
I went to the grocery store without a list.
EVERYTHING hurts today.
Like everything.
My shoulders, my elbows, my collarbones, my hips, my back, my knees. And everything in between.
Oh and I just took a shower so I could cry my eyes out.
Because I've also been on the verge of tears all fucking day too.
Did I mention that I'm a damn train wreck today?
On top of my health ridiculousness (because honestly, that's what fibro is... it IS ridiculous), Olivia is once again dealing with a health issue that NO almost-13-year-old should deal with. And so that is stressing me out which in turns leads to this mini-flare that I've been dealing with all week.
And quite frankly I'm just done with people. Like there are 7.5 billion people in the world and right now I can tolerate maybe a baker's dozen of said people (JK. Sort of. Maybe 2 dozen). Honestly at this point I think I'd be better off living on a deserted island that had WiFi and a Starbucks because I literally can't even right now.
So there you have it. I feel like crap (again). I am done adulting for the week and it's only Thursday.
And now I'm going to do enjoy a cup of tea because I gave up eating at night so I can lose weight and I'd really rather have a big f*cking bowl of ice cream but NO I'll sip on vanilla tea instead.
Namaste.
I am having a week.
As in I'd like this week to be over because maybe next week will be better.
I can't even pinpoint when my week went to shit
I have been feeling "off" all week.
I'm irritable.
I'm cranky.
(Yes, some of it WAS PMS but whatever).
I can't concentrate.
Today it sort of all bubbled to the surface.
I was doing a good job of keeping this craptastic week on the down low but not today.
My focus was for crap.
I went to the grocery store without a list.
EVERYTHING hurts today.
Like everything.
My shoulders, my elbows, my collarbones, my hips, my back, my knees. And everything in between.
Oh and I just took a shower so I could cry my eyes out.
Because I've also been on the verge of tears all fucking day too.
Did I mention that I'm a damn train wreck today?
On top of my health ridiculousness (because honestly, that's what fibro is... it IS ridiculous), Olivia is once again dealing with a health issue that NO almost-13-year-old should deal with. And so that is stressing me out which in turns leads to this mini-flare that I've been dealing with all week.
And quite frankly I'm just done with people. Like there are 7.5 billion people in the world and right now I can tolerate maybe a baker's dozen of said people (JK. Sort of. Maybe 2 dozen). Honestly at this point I think I'd be better off living on a deserted island that had WiFi and a Starbucks because I literally can't even right now.
So there you have it. I feel like crap (again). I am done adulting for the week and it's only Thursday.
And now I'm going to do enjoy a cup of tea because I gave up eating at night so I can lose weight and I'd really rather have a big f*cking bowl of ice cream but NO I'll sip on vanilla tea instead.
Namaste.
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