Have you ever made a decision, knowing in your brain that it's the RIGHT decision, but feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness in your heart? Feeling those two very different and conflicting emotions at the same time is exhausting and maddening.
And that's where I am tonight, friends. Knowing that we did the right thing and that in the end, it'll be for the best. But feeling so sad that I don't know what to do.
Tuesday was a horrible, gut-wrenching day for my household. My husband and I had to make a decision no pet owner should ever have to make. And while my brain says we did the right thing for everyone involved - feline and humans - my heart is heavy tonight.
Heavy as in full of industrial grade cement heavy.
My children are devastated and don't understand why their pet isn't ever coming home.
I feel guilty about the choices I made.
I feel sick about the fact that my kids are so sad.
I can't make the girls understand why he's never coming back.
I thought I had cried all my tears yesterday, but as I walked around the house tonight, turning off lights and locking doors, it hit me. I would never trip over him again in the dark as he wound himself around my feet, begging to be fed for the third or fourth time in one day. I'd never again hear his insistent meows as he told me how hungry he was. I would never spend my evenings, curled on the couch with him, rubbing his ears as he purred himself to sleep.
And once again, the tears flowed freely.
I know our decision was the right one, even though it feels like a kick in the gut every time I think about it. I know this too shall pass and the kids won't be sad anymore and I won't feel so terribly, horribly guilty.
But right now, at this very moment in time, all I want is to hear his purring and find him sleeping on my lap as I watch TV.