That Time I Met Jerry Seinfeld and Realized He Wasn't That Funny

Today I went to the movies with my mom and sister and as is the case when you're at the movies, a small popcorn and frozen Coke was necessary.

So my sister and I are standing at the concession stand waiting for our popcorn and Icees, and as I tend to do when I'm out and about, I was listening to other people's conversations. [What? You know you do it too.]

Anyway, there's an older guy at the register next to us and the manager of the movie theater says to him, "So, how about a photo opp with him?" And the older guy says (in a rather gruff manner), "No. That's not gonna happen."

At which time I start looking around for someone who might be worthy of a photo opp and lo and behold, about 10 feet behind me is freaking Jerry Seinfeld.


It should be noted that he's rather short. I thought he would be taller. Maybe television adds a few inches of height? Oh and damn does he look OLD.

Anyway...he's standing there shoving popcorn in his face and I look at my sister and say "Holy shit. That's Jerry Seinfeld. We HAVE to ask if he'll take a photo with us."

I loved watching 'Seinfeld' back in the day. LOVED. It. [And anyone who knew me in college knew that everyone - I mean everyone - would say to me: "Oh my GAWD. You look JUST like Elanie from Seinfeld." No joke. My freshman year of college I attended the OU Halloween party AS Elaine from 'Seinfeld' and actually had several drunk-ish people believing it.]

So, we walk up to Jerry [I'm gonna call him Jerry because I CAN] and I say "Hi! Would you take a photo with us?"

Jerry, still shoveling popcorn in his face, says...."Nah. I don't think so."


What I thought: Dude. We loved your show and you're so goddamn busy eating popcorn at 11 a.m. in a totally empty movie theater that you can't pull yourself away from said popcorn for two freaking seconds and take a picture with two fans? 

What I really said: "Really?"

Jerry in full snark mode: "Yeah I hear phones these days have cameras and everything." (It wasn't funny when he said it either, so yeah.)

My sister: "Really?"

We proceed to chat a bit and we tell him the aforementioned story about me being Elaine from Seinfeld's doppelgänger and [I shit you not] he look right at me and says "Boy you must have had some really dumb friends."


The "handler" who was standing next to him laughed at my story and was nice enough to ask what movie we were going to see. For the record Jerry was going to see the "guy movie" 'The Magnificent Seven' and deemed 'Girl on a Train' a 'chic flick.'

And then Jerry and his popcorn walked away.
And I secretly hoped he tripped on the way into the theater and spilled his popcorn. ;)

Look I get that celebrities don't like to be bothered by throngs of people but we were the ONLY  people in the damn movie theater lobby and it wasn't like he was trying to stay out of sight.

We posted our "celebrity" sighting on FB and heard from many other folks that Jerry is just a jerk. Like all the time. He treats everyone like that.

Well, Jerry.
Guess what?
I used to think you were funny.
I just think you're a big stupid jerk who is rude to fans.

And I hope you got a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth.
Waaaaaay in the back. Where you can't reach it with floss.

Yes, really.


One of Those Weeks

I'm going to preface this post with an apology - I'm sorry all I'm writing about is my venting about life but right now that's what I've got and if you don't want to read it, move on. That's all.

I am having a week.
As in I'd like this week to be over because maybe next week will be better.

I can't even pinpoint when my week went to shit
I have been feeling "off" all week.
I'm irritable.
I'm cranky.
(Yes, some of it WAS PMS but whatever).

I can't concentrate.
Today it sort of all bubbled to the surface.
I was doing a good job of keeping this craptastic week on the down low but not today.

My focus was for crap.
I went to the grocery store without a list.
EVERYTHING hurts today.
Like everything.
My shoulders, my elbows, my collarbones, my hips, my back, my knees. And everything in between.
Oh and I just took a shower so I could cry my eyes out.
Because I've also been on the verge of tears all fucking day too.

Did I mention that I'm a damn train wreck today?

On top of my health ridiculousness (because honestly, that's what fibro is... it IS ridiculous), Olivia is once again dealing with a health issue that NO almost-13-year-old should deal with. And so that is stressing me out which in turns leads to this mini-flare that I've been dealing with all week.

And quite frankly I'm just done with people. Like there are 7.5 billion people in the world and right now I can tolerate maybe a baker's dozen of said people (JK. Sort of. Maybe 2 dozen). Honestly at this point I think I'd be better off living on a deserted island that had WiFi and a Starbucks because I literally can't even right now.

So there you have it. I feel like crap (again). I am done adulting for the week and it's only Thursday.

And now I'm going to do enjoy a cup of tea because I gave up eating at night so I can lose weight and I'd really rather have a big f*cking bowl of ice cream but NO I'll sip on vanilla tea instead.



Monday Rant

I woke up in a bad mood.
Like....six days ago.
And I'm still in a bad mood.

For the past week fibro has been kicking my ass. I'm irritable. I'm pissed off. My shoulders hurt. My elbows hurt. My collarbones hurt which means it hurts to breathe. I have no appetite because I'm nauseous.

Oh, and I'm FAT.

That's right.
Just in case I wasn't aware of this fact...my doctor decided to tell me as much today. 

Today I had my yearly OB/Gyn appointment today and when the doctor FINALLY came into the room (45 minute late) she asked how I was doing.

Me: Not great. I've had a few bad days where fibro is concerned.
Doctor: Have you thought about losing weight to help you feel better?


What I wanted to say was something along the lines of: Are you f*cking kidding me at this very moment? I'm sitting here totally effing NAKED under this piece of shit GIANT "gown" with a sheet of paper covering me from the waist down and you want to talk about how overweight I am? Do you think I'm not aware of the fact that I need to lose like 70 pounds? 

Instead I said something like "yes I know I need to lose weight and I'm trying but nothing works."

To which she suggested I consider "weight loss shots."
And no, she didn't mean fun "shots" at the bar.
She's talking about some every-day-kind-of-injection that tricks my brain into thinking I'm full.

Um. NO.

Look, I know I'm overweight. I have been for like 10 years ever since Emma was born. But since I started taking a certain medication to help me sleep (because of f*cking fibro) I cannot lose any weight.

In fact, I've gained weight.

Hey, this pill will help you sleep better but you'll also gain weight just thinking about food. 

I could literally NOT EAT for days and I probably wouldn't lose any weight right now.

And YES. I do fully realize that if I lose weight I might feel better when it comes to fibro but it is not a f*cking cure because there is no cure. And I'm quite certain that there are skinny people with fibro who feel just as shitty as I do on some days.

And in case anyone out there is wondering...when everything hurts - like it has for the past few days - the LAST thing I want to do is MOVE. I want to take a nap even though I know I need to move. I don't need people telling me to do something. And I sure as shit don't need a doctor to tell me I'm fat. I can look in a damn mirror and see that.

I'm so pissed off right now that I'm really just venting in this post. I know I need to lose weight. I don't need people telling me that or giving me advice on what THEY think will help.

There it is.

Update: So, I've had a good 24 hours to think about what happened yesterday and I've reached a few conclusions.

1. No one should ever be allowed to make me (or anyone else) feel "less-than" for being overweight. And that's what my doctor did. She made me feel fat and ugly and worthless because I need to lose weight.

2. When a patient is sitting in an exam room - wearing JUST a "gown" and a sheet of paper over their girl parts - and she's CRYING because she (1) is so frustrated about how fibro makes her feel and (2) she is totally humiliated that you just told her she needs to lose weight ... what is the proper reaction? Let me give you a hint: it isn't standing on the opposite side of the exam room with a look of total disinterest on your face.

3. I am fully convinced that my OB falls into the category of morons people who don't believe that fibro is real. Trust me. It is real. It is really f*cking real. And no matter what the scale says I'm still going to have fibro.

4. Mean people suck.


Much Ado About Pneumonia

Did you hear that Hillary Clinton has pneumonia?

If you've been watching ANY of the 24-hour news networks today I'm sure you already know that.

Why this is news is really beyond comprehension.

MSNBC actually posted an online poll asking if the fact that Hillary has pneumonia disqualifies her from being president?


Are we serious right now? We less than two months out from the presidential election, Drumpf and his supporters want to build a damn wall and ban an entire religion from entering and/or staying in this country (and apparently his supporters in South Carolina want to do even worse than that) but apparently having pneumonia is potentially disqualifying?

You have got to be f*cking kidding me right now.

This whole "OMG Hillary has pneumonia!!!!" news cycle is beyond sexist. If Drumpf suddenly came down with influenza or pneumonia would the media jump all over it and spend an entire news cycle on it?

Because he's not a woman.

You can feel free to disagree with that statement, but it's true. Throughout this entire election the media has been soft on Drumpf, apparently because he's "new" to politics (total crap but totally different blog rant post).

I'm also quite certain that if Bernie had won the nomination and he came down with pneumonia it wouldn't be turned in an entire news cycle.

Why? Because he's a man.

This entire day of "news" has been beyond sexist and demeaning.
Pneumonia would not be "newsworthy" if we weren't talking about a woman candidate. 

Let's get something straight right now - whether you like Hillary or not, she's tough and she works harder than any of those talking heads on the news shows. And when you have pneumonia that isn't the best route to getting healthy. But I totally get why she pressed on and insisted on working.

I live with a chronic illness. On any given day I work through pain levels that many people would find unbearable. But I have to do it. I have young kids, I have a job, I have a household to take care of. But sometimes I literally can't. And I have to take a nap. Like today. Today I took an hour-long nap because I felt like total shit. Thankfully I work from home and have that luxury.

And pneumonia? That isn't chronic. It goes away after a few days on antibiotics + rest. So for the love of all that is holy please stop making this a bigger deal than it really is.

Yeah, her campaign should have sent out a report on Friday that she had pneumonia but they didn't. So. Freaking. What.

There are so many more important and relevant things to talk about in this election.



Today is the 15th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

The girls are at the age where they're both asking questions about what happened on 9/11. We talked a little about it at breakfast yesterday, and Emma watched a documentary with me.

"Mommy why are the terrorists so mean? Why did they do that?"

15 years later and I still don't have an answer.

Emma was full of questions all night - why did they do that? who were the bad men? what happened to the people at the top of the Twin Towers? can we visit where the plane crashed in Pennsylvania?

Olivia said they were able to watch CNN for Kids at school on Friday and the footage they saw was of the second plane hitting the tower.

I've tried to explain to both girls what it was like to watch the events of that day - the planes hitting the towers, the fear everyone felt, how the airlines were shut down.

A few years ago we visited the 9/11 site and saw the footprints of the buildings that are now fountain memorials. It was as sobering a sight as when I first saw the site back in 2003 when it was just a huge hole in the ground.

15 years later and I still can't get through a 9/11 documentary without crying.

It's not that I knew anyone who died that day. But I remember watching it as every event unfolded. I remember walking outside that night and how eerily quiet the sky was. I remember waking up on September 12 wondering if something else might happen.

I think this blog post I wrote three years ago says all I can say about it. 

15 years later and we will STILL never forget.


11 Years

So apparently, my blog turned 11 years old on September 6.

That's right. I've been doing this blogging thing for 11 years. Interesting.

I used to blog a lot more - but I'm gonna admit that when you spend your day writing for a living, on most nights the last thing I want to do is sit down and blog.

That sounds awful I suppose, but I figure this is my blog and if I don't want to write for a while I can get away with that. What is my blog going to do, fire me? ;)

Anyway...I suppose I'm writing more lately and that's the whole point of my Tuesday Thoughts series - at least I know I'll blog on Tuesdays.

So if you're still coming to the Fishbowl to read what I'm writing...thanks. Here's to another 11 years.


Tuesday Thoughts: Are You Sure It Isn't Monday?

A friend posted this on Facebook today and it is SO accurate:

Seriously. I despise Monday holidays because of the Tuesday that happens afterward.

Sure it was nice to sleep in yesterday - even though I slept on the couch Sunday night because of (1) insomnia and (2) pain. But whatever.

Today is totally the Mondayest Tuesday ever.

I feel like crap - I believe I'm coming down with my annual September cold/bronchitis magic. Which is great because it's also going to be 100 degree heat index for the next 3 days which means my fibro will be super special all week too.

Basically I'd like to crawl into bed today and hibernate until Friday.

But I can't.
I have to work.
And Olivia starts ballet tonight.
And Emma starts volleyball.
And tomorrow I have to be a PTO officer (save me) and pretend I like people.
This week, I don't like people.

The highlight of my day right now - the potential for a Pumpkin Spice Latte this afternoon. That will surely help fight off this cold/bronchitis nonsense.

Here's hoping you all make it through this Tuesday that feels like a Monday.


Tuesday Thoughts: When You Wake Up and Everything Hurts

This whole fibromyalgia thing is a real pain in the ... EVERYTHING.


Last week was a craptastic week in FibroLand. My shoulder blades were screaming for DAYS ... it literally hurt to breathe. Think about that for a second.


I took a nap last Monday. And last Tuesday. And last Wednesday. By Thursday the shoulder blade pain had subsided quite a bit and I felt ... OK.

But here's the thing that you might not understand.
My "OK" is not like your "OK."

When I say I'm feeling OK it means my daily pain is a dull ache - and yes, it is daily. Every single day I am in pain to some level. Some days it's a dull ache. Other days my joints feel like bone on bone. Those are the days when I'm not "OK."

Last week I was not OK for most of the week.

But I had an OK weekend. I might have been out in the heat a bit too much on Sunday but we had a lovely family day at the lakeshore so it was worth the pain.

Yesterday was a busy day and it didn't end until almost 9 p.m. when I came home from Olivia's 7th grade open house. When I went to bed I could feel it - the pain was coming back. I woke up throughout the night in various states of discomfort - my hips, shoulders, and wrists were the culprits this time.

Today I woke up and - everything hurt. Everywhere. My back. My hips. My shoulders. My elbows. My wrists. I can feel that the weather is changing. I can feel the humidity and the rain that is on its way tonight.

When I put any sort of pressure on my hips it HURTS.
My shoulders HURT.
My elbows HURT and I can't rest them on the arm rests of my office chair.
Also, the tip of my left index finger hurts.
It's a thing. It's weird.
And, several of my fingers are "asleep."
Oh, and my entire body is tingling. Has been all day. 

I don't feel like this every day.
But some days are worse than others.

And that my friends is my new normal.


Summer Days on the Shores of Lake Erie

I've lived in Northwest Ohio my entire life (well, except for those 18 months when I lived in Florida and the six months I'd rather forget in Pennsylvania).

But it wasn't until I had kids that I really started to appreciate the Lake Erie Shores and Islands and all the family fun they have to offer.

Sure, I visited Cedar Point every year when I was a kid, but honestly since I'm not a big coaster fan, I don't feel the need to visit that amusement park every year. Or every 3 years.

However, I do love to take a day and head to Put-in-Bay or Marblehead.

I'm going to admit - I never went to Put-in-Bay when I was "younger" - which means I never visited the island to drink. (I went to Ohio University...I had enough to drink there. ha!). The first time I visited PIB was when we took the kids ... about seven years ago.

Now we like to make it an annual summer day trip. We hop on the Miller Ferry and rent a golf cart on the island and spend the day driving around, soaking up "island life." And we did just that a few weeks ago.

If you are making plans to visit PIB I strongly suggest (1) reserving a golf cart before you arrive OR (2) arrive before noon if you don't make a reservation. On busy summer weekends the golf carts go quickly and believe me, you don't want to walk from one end of the island to the other. (There are buses near the Miller Ferry dock that will take you "downtown"...if you can't get a golf cart).

This year's visit was fun - even if Liv was nursing what would end up being a chipped bone in her foot. We arrived early, drove around for a while, and decided to stop at the Perry Monument. Sadly, the monument had been struck by lightning the day before so we couldn't take the elevator to the top.

The rest of our day consisted of lunch (PERCH!) at The Keys, a new-to-us place with a cool Jimmy Buffet vibe; traveling down to Perry's Cave at the Family Fun Center; a stop at the Heineman Winery; and ice cream!

People always seems surprised when I say I take my kids to PIB. I don't understand why - it's not like we're bar hopping with the kids. ;-)

The island is full of fun, family-friendly things to do. I always recommend visiting PIB during the summer and/or early fall - our favorite time is actually AFTER Labor Day when most of the boats and weekenders have gone and the weather is cooler. One of the best visits we've had was a few years ago when we went in mid-September. It was perfection.

But really, just about any weekend during the summer and early fall is a good time to visit. And you can always check out the upcoming events to see what kind of fun stuff is going on!

Another favorite spot to visit is Marblehead, Ohio. We hadn't driven out there in about three years, so today we packed a picnic lunch and hopped in the car for a nice day trip.

On our way to Marblehead we stopped at Cheesehaven. I'm going to put this out there: if you love cheese (like I love cheese) you MUST stop at Cheesehaven. This fun store has 100's of kinds of cheese, cheese spreads, and some really fun retro candy (gum cigarettes, anyone?). They also have a nice selection of wines - many from the island wineries. [Also? You can sample many of the cheese spreads. Seriously. Sample them! Except for maybe the Ghost Chili cheese. Or the chocolate and walnut cheese spread.]

The lighthouse was open for tours to the top, but we opted out of that part (Liv is STILL in a walking boot). We walked the rocky shoreline, took some photos, and tried to have a picnic lunch. The bees had other ideas so we opted for eating in the car instead. Plus, A/C is always nice at a picnic. ;)

After a couple hours in Marblehead we decided to take the "scenic route" home, driving through Port Clinton and then home on Route 2. (Not my favorite route home, but I did it for the kids).

All-in-all we've had two great Sundays visiting the Lake Erie Shores and Islands this month. If you're ever looking for a fun day trip or even a short "staycation" you should check out the Shores and Islands - there is something for everyone. We even found a few things we want to do next year at PIB, but we're going to visit on a weekday this time!

Disclosure: Miller Ferry Line provided me and my family with round-trip tickets on the Miller Ferry, a golf cart rental, and a family fun pack for Perry's Cave. All opinions in this post are mine. Miller Ferry did not ask me to write about my experiences.


Tuesday Thoughts ... Internet Birthday Edition

It's Tuesday. Again.
Let's hope today is better than Monday.
It started out with the contact lenses going into the correct eyes, so I already have a leg up today. ;)

So what are my thought today?
One thing: social media.

In particular how much I dislike some aspects of social media on any given day.
(This seems appropriate since today IS the 25th anniversary of the ol' internet).

I don't hate social media all the time. Some days I really like it. But on some days...I really, REALLY dislike social media. Like yesterday. When I asked for positive energy and got crap.

Here's the thing:
I am 43 years old.
I've been a parent for 12 1/2 years.
I know what is best for my child.

I didn't ask for anyone's opinion.

What I asked for were (1) good thoughts and (2) good vibes for Olivia who is nursing a not-too-serious but rather painful foot injury.

Good vibes, people.


I don't know what Olivia's foot will feel like in a few weeks. I don't know how she will feel about putting on her ballet shoes when the time comes. But that is a decision that we'll make together - me, Olivia, and her dad.

Right now my job is to keep Olivia as unstressed as humanly possible so that we don't have another cycle of alopecia.Yeah, that's right. I don't want to stress out my kid about her foot and ballet and auditions because I don't want her hair to fucking fall out. Again.

Yeah. Keep reading.

We're finally (knock on wood) to the point where all of her bald spots are almost filled in with new hair. And if I told her today that there was no way on God's Green Earth that she would be able to audition in 26 days that would UNDOUBTEDLY cause her a lot of fucking stress and unhappiness.

Which could very easily lead to a new cycle of alopecia.
And no one wants that right now. 

But I get it.
Everyone wants to pass out advice on Facebook even when they aren't asked to do so.
Everyone is an expert in everything on social media.

I'm not a doctor but I play one on Facebook.
I'm not a parenting expert but let me tell YOU how to raise your kids. 
I know you didn't ASK for my opinion but let me give it to you anyway.  

The funny thing is: when I did post something later last night asking for good vibes for Olivia (after deleting the initial post because I JUST CAN'T RIGHT NOW), only a few (very wonderful and thoughtful) people posted positive thoughts.

Which leads me to wonder: is it just that much easier to hand out unsolicited advice and/or negative comments than it is to write out positive thoughts? Are we to a point on social media where you can't just hit "like" and say "good luck"?

If we are, that makes me sad.
Social media means you're supposed to be social. 

Anyway...happy 25th to the internet.
Sometimes you're the best thing ever.
And sometimes you really suck.