Do What You Love. And Love What You Do.

It's been FIVE YEARS since I walked out of my office at the after dealing with horrible bullying for six months (out of the 12 months that I was in that job). You can read all about my experiences here, here, and in this post where I post my "eff you" resignation letter.

The day I quit my job five year ago my Facebook status was: 'FREEDOM!!!'

To say that my time spent in that office was a nightmare would be an understatement. What happened to me should never happen to anyone in the workplace (or in school or well, ANYWHERE). The bullying nearly broke me and made me question everything about my professional life and friendships.

It took me more than a year to recover from the bullying (even though you never really "recover" from it but you are able to eventually put in in your past). For a long time I questioned my ability to find a job, my abilities as a writer, and what I really wanted to do with my professional life.

And then, 3 1/2 years ago I started this job that I love. By the end of this year I'll have worked at this job longer than I've worked at any other job. EVER.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

People often say "do what you love and love what you do" and let me tell ya something - they're right.

I am doing what I love and loving what I do.
And I work with the most amazing, talented, incredible, kick-ass, and supportive group of women.

But you know what else?

I still stop and question my abilities from time to time. I find myself thinking "You can't do that."... or "That's a dumb idea." ... and then I remember that the voice telling me that is the one that took up residence in my brain when I worked for the Girl Scouts and even though she's quiet most of the time, she's still hanging out and being a real bitch every now and then.

But now, five years later, I know that voice is wrong. Very wrong. I am good at what I do (honesty, not arrogance, people). And I can do anything I put my mind to.

As much as those bullies tried to break me five years ago, they failed. And they failed in spectacular fashion.

Freedom from bullies in the workplace

Did you know this week is Freedom from Workplace Bullies Week?

No?

Don't worry. I didn't know it was either until I saw a post for it today on Facebook - you know, the best source of news out there.

There's a lot of talk these days about bullies - in school, on the bus, on the playground. Bullies are everywhere it seems. Even in the workplace.

Yep, that's rights. Adults can be bullies. And adults can be the target of bullies. It happens every single day in workplaces all around the country. In fact, 54 million Americans have been bullied in the workplace.

I would know.
I was one of them.

I wrote about my experiences here.
I wrote about quitting my job here.
I wrote a little more about the bullies here.
I wrote about the day I quit here.
And I wrote about NOT letting the bullies win here.

The thing is, I'm still not "over" being the target of a workplace bully. I don't know if it's something one truly ever gets over. I haven't gained back all my confidence that was systematically stripped away during six months of bullying. I still second guess myself when it comes to my current job. I wait for those bullying emails to show up in my inbox. I wonder if people really like me, or if they're just saying they do to be "polite."

Workplace bullying IS a source of shame for those of us who have experienced it. That's part of the "power" bullies have over their targets. Bullies shame us into thinking that no one cares and no one will listen. Targets don't think anyone will believe them. The targets (I will not call myself a victim) feel as if they have nowhere to turn. They don't feel that they can trust HR to do anything (especially in my case, when the person bullying me was second in command at the organization). Coworkers might want to help but they often stay silent out of fear that they'll be the next target.

And, as a target of a workplace bully you feel weak. And worthless. You cry in your office behind closed doors. You feel sick when you walk through the front doors. And you feel relief when you go home at night, only to dread waking up the next day. And you think it's best if you just remain silent and hide in your office. I tried to do that - I avoided my coworkers as much as possible because I thought it was best to keep quiet.

Workplace bullies aren't just "bad bosses" - it goes way beyond that.

Workplace bullying doesn't just happen one time.
It's repeated over and over again until the target is fired or quits.

Workplace bullying is verbal and non-verbal. It's intimidation and threats and humiliation.

Bullying in the workplace is real.
And it's horrible.
And it will change a person's life forever.
And it needs to stop.
NOW.

So I am asking all of you - whether you've been bullied or have witnessed someone get bullied at work - speak up. Stand up for your coworker. Stand up for yourself. Say "enough is ENOUGH!" If we stand together, we can end workplace bullying.

(For more information on workplace bullying, watch this video http://youtu.be/hUVAinx8mno. And if you or someone you know is being bullied at work, please visit: http://www.workplacebullying.org)

The long and winding road Part 2

The date: July 19, 2011

I arrived at the office EARLY.
Way early.
Early enough that a coworker (and friend) said "What are you doing here so early?"
And then she saw the boxes in my arms.
And the reality of what was happening hit.

"I'm quitting. Today. Right now."

And with that I walked upstairs to my office and proceeded to pack up what little belongings I had left. I had been slowly taking things home for weeks - preparing for the day The Bully fired me for breathing wrong. Only a few people had noticed that my office decor had changed. I didn't care how noticed. I quickly packed my photos and candy dish and turned on my laptop for one last email.

My resignation letter "victory email" had been written the day before. There was great thought put into this resignation letter. I was going to tell the Bully and her minions exactly WHY I was quitting...knowing full well that they didn't really care. They believed that what they did to employees was OK, justifiable, and fully within the realm of acceptable behavior.

After sending off the email that I hoped was the VERY FIRST thing The Bully saw upon her return from vacation, I ventured down the hallway to visit the regional director - a person who, at one point in time, I considered a friend and confidant within the confines of the office walls.

"You're here early. What's going on?"
I'm leaving.
"Where are you going?"
No. I don't think you understand. I'm leaving. Quitting. Here's my resignation letter. I can no longer work here and be treated this way.

I turned around and walked out before she could respond.

I said a couple more quick goodbyes before walking to my car.

I wanted to be out of the office before everyone else showed up.

As I was getting in my car, the regional director (and former friend) walked out to ask my password for the computer.

"I know what you think of me and what you've said about me. The people you talked to don't keep secrets as well as you think."
And? So what? I'm beyond the point of caring right now.
"I hope you find what you're looking for and it makes you happy." 
I'll be happy as soon as I pull out of this parking lot.

And with that...I got in my car and drove away.
And the minute I pulled out of the parking lot I felt free.

I didn't know what the next 12 months would bring with it - the challenges, roadblocks, frustrations, annoyances, and unlimited amounts of stress - but I knew that whatever was ahead of my had to be better than what I was dealing with in that office. Anything was going to be better than suffering at the hands of a bully.

The last year hasn't been perfect. It hasn't been without disappointments. It hasn't been without moments of hysterical crying and feeling as if I might just lose my mind.

But it has been a year without The Bully and her minions.
And that makes it a great year.

The long and winding road

It's been just about a year since I walked out of the worst job EVER and started the next chapter of my professional life.

What a year it's been.

Quitting that job was still the best decision I've ever made on a professional level. And yet I'm still haunted by what happened to me while I worked there. As much as I have forced myself to move forward and move on....it's sometimes easier said than done.

When I worked for The Bully and her minions I often felt worthless, stupid, and like everything I did in my job was wrong. The green trolls don't ever tell you that you're doing a good job or that your hard work is appreciated. Instead they thrive on telling you how terrible you are, how much you're unliked and how you are a failure.

Trust me when I say working in conditions like that really makes you question your abilities, and your self-confidence wavers. A lot.

Fast-forward to this spring. I started working at a job that is OK and it's making me a little bit of money. So that's always good.

A few weeks ago I wrote something that in my mind was just "meh"...so the response it garnered from my "supervisor" and the managing editor was a bit surprising. The managing editor emailed to tell me that she didn't know how she survived with me and said the item I wrote was the best example she has seen. Ever. They're even going to use it as an example of how that particular job should always be done.

As much as I wanted to just run with that compliment, I questioned it. I wondered why they were acting this way. Why were they heaping praise on me? I didn't do anything that great. It was "just" words on the screen. I wasn't anything special.

As I obsessed over it that night, I realized that if someone in an authority role bullies you enough and makes you feel like you're worthless enough times, you really do start to believe it. I had spent so many months taking abuse from The Bully and her minions that I started to believe what she said.

Because of  that, I have spent that last year questioning my own abilities and doubting my skills. I've wondered why certain organizations would want ME at their events and I've questioned why I'm still blogging. I haven't been blogging as much because I was lacking drive and motivation. I didn't have it in me to write.

And then last week a couple things happened that made me realize that I really AM good at what I do. All it took was a nice compliment from a trusted friend, being told that I'm appreciated for what I do, and having an interviewer tell me that the 25 minutes we spent talking on the phone had made his week. Those things all mixed together made me stop. And think. And realize that the person holding me back was ME. 

I was allowing all those nagging, hurtful words from a year ago still haunt me and keep me from being a the best writer, blogger, editor, and "social media mom" that I could be. I was allowing my fear of failure keep me from doing things that the "old me" wouldn't think twice about doing. I was allowing those negative thoughts to take up residence in my head. I was allowing bullies to win.

And that ends today.

As I head into a final interview for a potential new job - the prospect of which both excites me and terrifies me - I have to remind myself that it's OK to feel uncertain and unsure of the road ahead. I don't know if this potential new job is "The One"...but who cares. I see it as a potential adventure and one that I'm willing to start if they want me.

I need to try something new..without that little voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough or smart enough. Because I know that voice is wrong.

And really, what's the worse that could happen?
I could fail.
That's it.
The very worst thing is I could really suck at this job.
But so what?
If I fail, then I try something else and keep trying until I succeed.
You never know until you try.

Shaking my head in complete disbelief

I want to take you back a bit ... back to when I worked for an organization that prides itself on "building girls of courage, confidence, and character." I want to take you back to when I was bullied at the Girl Scouts. When I was made to feel like I was nothing. When I was verbally and mentally tormented by my boss. When I had to make a decision to quit a job because I was trapped in a toxic environment.

What happened to me was horrible, gut wrenching, life changing, and should be illegal. But since July, I've had a lot of time to move past what happened to me. And I've had time to heal. Yes, I said heal. What I went through was something I wouldn't wish on anyone (except maybe the people who perpetrated it).

Workplace bullying is real.
And it's horrible.
And it breaks you to your core.
And I was a victim.

I had no one to turn to. I had no recourse other than to leave a job that I once thought was a great job. And earlier this year I made a decision to let the national organization know what happened. I thought it was important for the GSUSA to know what I suffered so that maybe they could prevent it from happening again.

Ha.
That I even thought they would care is now laughable to me.

This is their response:

"Anna Maria Chavez (the CEO of GSUSA) asked me to follow up on the letter you sent her regarding your resignation as communications manager. Though it is always disappointing for all involved if a position does not work out as expected, please understand that Girl Scouts of the USA does not interfere in personnel decisions. These are the responsibility of the council leadership and are completely within their purview." (bold added by me)

In other words: GSUSA fully supports workplace bullying and has given it their green stamp of approval. 

I am floored by this response. 

Granted, I wasn't expecting much from the organization, but was thinking I'd hear something along the lines of "we're so sorry you had to deal with this," or "what happened to you does not fit within this organization's mission statement and for that we apologize." 

Something.
Anything.

Anything but a stamp of approval telling me that what happened to me was OK with them because they won't control what council "leadership" does. 

Perhaps there is a new badge for this? I can see it now.....What's that? You told your employee that everyone dislikes her, no one wants to work with her, she sucks at her job, and she has a negative attitude? And you made her cry and fear for her job for weeks on end? And you made her physically sick? And gave her no choice but to quit her job? CONGRATULATIONS! You get this shiny new "workplace bullying" badge for your green sash! 

I know now, without a doubt, that quitting my job with the Girl Scouts was the BEST decision I've made. I know now that had I stayed my complaints would have fallen on deaf ears and the "leadership" would have continued to bully me. This was NOT a case of a position not "working out as expected" as the GSUSA stated in their letter. No one expects to be bullied at work! This was a case of an employee being bullied for months and having no choice but to quit her job. But according to the national office, this is all OK with them because the choice to bully me was "completely with the purview" of the local leadership. 

In other words ... dear council leadership please feel free to treat your staff like crap and bully them to your heart's content. We approve! We agree! We think you're wonderful for doing it! Yay for workplace bullying!

As I said before, I am completely finished with the Girl Scouts organization as a whole. The organization has no redeeming qualities and offer nothing to young girls and women. It has been made very clear based on their response that the organization does not stand by the "values" it tries to "teach" young girls. For an organization that claims to promote "anti-bullying measures" in school to APPROVE workplace bullying (because they obviously think it isn't real) make me furious. And sick to my stomach.

So to the trolls who tried to break me and to the national organization who supports them in their bullying endeavors, I say this to you: You didn't win. You didn't beat me. You didn't strip me of my confidence. I am ME. And I am stronger. And smarter. And I will always be better than you.