For days I've been wanting to sit down and write out my feelings about what happened in Newtown, Connecticut last Friday.
And for days I've been unable to write.
Friday morning I saw a breaking news alert on my phone that said there was a shooting at a school in Connecticut and initial reports said three people were injured. I didn't give it much thought again (how sad is THAT?!?) until I turned on the television around 1 p.m. Friday afternoon and started seeing reports that said children were some of the victims.
I sat here at my laptop that afternoon, CNN muted in the background while I listened to a conference call for work. I had to avoid even looking at the television for fear of breaking down into tears during the call.
What I wanted to do instead of listening to work-related things was hop in my car, drive to school and pick up Olivia and Emma.
Instead, I hugged them as soon as they got off the school bus. I hugged them just a little bit harder than normal as we stood in the middle of the driveway. They must have thought mommy had lost her mind.
I've been trying to process what happened all weekend long.
I can't do it.
I can't force it to make sense.
Because it doesn't make sense.
It will never make sense.
There is no way that any amount of time or evidence will make sense of what happened last week at Sandy Hook Elementary. Twenty first grade students were murdered for absolutely no reason. Someone on the radio this morning said the biggest accomplishments these kids had so far was passing kindergarten and maybe losing a tooth.
And just like that they were gone.
This will never make sense.
So where do we go from here?
Sure we will continue to hug our kids harder and we'll worry every time we send them off to school. Do I think my kids are safe at their school? Not entirely. As parents we are now horribly aware of how easy it is for someone to get into a school and do horrific amounts of damage.
Do I think the fact that you're supposed to get "buzzed in" to my kids' school keeps them safe from crazy? No I don't think that keeps them safe. But it is a start. And that's better than nothing I suppose.
And so the question becomes "now what?" The president called us all to action last night and it's about damn time we all did something about it. Because as sad and horrified as I am about what happened last Friday, I'm also really, really angry. I'm angry that it's easier to buy a gun than it is to register to vote or to buy a car. I'm angry that people think the Second Amendment gives them the right to own semi-automatic guns for their "protection." And I'm angry that the politicians we elect to serve us would rather cower in fear from the NRA than stand up and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
We might never be able to make sense of what happened last Friday. But we as a nation can certainly work together to make sure it never happens again. Our children deserve to be safe. And it's our job to ensure that safety.