Elf on the Shelf Returns

So, Walt is back.

Walt would be our Elf on the Shelf. The bane of my holidays. The elf sized thorn in my side.

You get the idea.

I don't like the elf. He only exists to taunt me and challenge me to remember to move his freaky little self every night. Because you know, I don't have enough things to remember. Now I have to remember to move the elf and keep the magic alive.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Look, I'm not a Grinch.
Really.

But I honestly want to punch someone in the face every year when Walt returns. Specifically the genius who thought a $30 creepy elf was a good idea for keeping kids in check during the holidays. I was doing just fine on my own up until a few years ago thankyouverymuch.

But no. Everyone (OK, not everyone...but a lot of unfortunate souls) have been dragged into this whole Elf on the Shelf debacle.

There are Pinterest boards dedicated to "fun and creative" things to do with/for your elf.

No.
Make it stop.

I consider it a win when I remember to move the damn thing before the kids wake up in the morning. There's no way in hell that I'm going to add powdered sugar, mini marshmallows, or toilet paper crafts into the mix.

Our elf is very, very boring. You can normally find him hanging off the 7-foot-tall Eiffel Tower in our living room, or sitting in a bowl in the dining room, or lounging on a wreath in the bathroom. That's about it. Sometimes we get crazy and he hangs in a stocking all day.

Last week the husband forgot to move the elf and the kids were dismayed to find him still in the bathroom, still sitting on a wreath, still creepy. So I made the executive decision to MOVE THE ELF DURING THE DAY. And when the kids were outside I moved Walt to another room.

Let's just say the kids were freaked out. "HOW CAN WALT MOVE DURING THE DAY??!?!?!"

Kids, I have no idea. Maybe he has his days and nights mixed up.

Thankfully the elf has corrected that problem. Then the other day we had the brilliant idea to have Walt deliver a Lego Advent calendar to the kids.

Now they want more gifts from Walt. "Dear Walt - Do you think you can bring us another present?"

Um, not likely.

Emma wrote Walt a note last night asking if he knew "Diamond" - the Elf that has taken up residence in her 2nd grade classroom.

"Walt" responded that he "doesn't know Diamond" but he "has seen her at Santa's Workshop." As I re-read that sentence this morning I realized that I had inadvertently turned Diamond into a stripper Elf on the Shelf who works at a strip club named 'Santa's Workshop.' Oops.

It's funny if you think about it.

The kids have drafted yet another letter to Walt with more questions. I think perhaps Walt might show up with his arm in a sling tomorrow morning so that he can't write any more notes.

On the bright side, I only have to remember to move the stupid little elf for three more weeks.