One of those days...

It's one of those gloomy Eyeore kind of days here in northwest Ohio. Gets my mind wandering away into many random thoughts.

Have to start studying for the bar soon. Books arrived 2 weeks ago -- 32 pounds worth of books. Taking classes at night beginning in January -- Monday thru Friday from 6 to 9:30 p.m. Basically this means that for about 6 weeks I won't be spending any quality time with Kevin or Olivia. Not very happy about this.

Hope I can pass the bar. It's gonna be my 6th attempt. I hate saying that...it sounds so terrible. Yep, I failed the bar five times. Guess I need to do things on a grand scale. My dad says that I have a mental block when it comes to bar -- just like when it comes to math. I don't think it's that simple.

The bar is such a random test. It doesn't test your knowledge of law -- it tests one's ability to memorize a ton of crap and then regurgitate it on paper over the course of 2 1/2 days. It's basically a form of legalized torture. I'm pretty certain that it's a violation of my constitutional right against cruel and unusual punishment.

Need to find a job too. It's been 2 years since my dickhead former boss fired me when I was 7 months pregnant for no reason. (If that's not a lawsuit, I don't know what is). I have sent out so many freakin' resumes that I've lost count. Had a few interviews, but nothing more. I am beginning to think that I am unemployable and that those 7 years of college were a waste of time and money.

Beginning (continuing?) to feel like a failure too. Why is it that I can't find a job? Sure, the job market is rather dismal right now, but really....am I unqualified for everything? Or is it that I'm over-qualified?

And how is it that a potential employer can make a judgment about me based on a piece of paper called a resume? Don't you have to meet someone first before deciding if they are worthy?

And then there's the baby thing. Kevin wants to have our 2nd kid before he turns 40 -- which basically means sometime next year. Here's the rub: if I get pregnant in say March of next year, then I only have a few months to find a job before my belly enters a room before the rest of me and any potential employer can find some "legal" reason to not hire me [ since not hiring a pregnant woman soley because she's preggers is so very illegal].

Don't get me wrong ... I want to have another kid too. It's just that it's much easier for the man -- and that really pisses me off at times.

Would love to just write and teach -- but neither of those things are a guarantee. I love teaching, but it's always a "wait and see" thing each semester -- will I have enough students? Right now I have 3 signed up for the spring. Only need 3 more. If I was to write, it would have to on my terms - what I want to write about, when I want to write it. A column of my very own...now that would be nice!

Finally started Xmas shopping today. Whoopee. So not in the holiday spirit right now. Guess it's the mood I'm in.

Wish we could take a vacation to somewhere warm and sunny. I think maybe I need one of those "sunshine" lamps.

Gotta run...I need to unpack 32 pounds of bar review books.