Yes, I'm Still Here.

My mom sent me a private message today via Facebook. On the blog's Facebook page. She wanted to let me know that I haven't blogged since May 2 and she misses my posts.

In reality I HAVE blogged - twice - since May 2. I just haven't published the blog posts. They're currently in a 'holding pattern' until I decide to hit "publish."

Long story short: I'm dealing with some health issues and even though I have blogged about it (still in draft form) - and told a few people what is going on - I'm not quite ready to publish that draft. Sorry. #Vaguebooking again. [Friends: don't freak out....I'm not SICK sick...I'll live].

As it is I have too much shit going on right now to talk about my health.

The girls are done with the school year in TWO FREAKING DAYS.
What the what??!?!

How in the hell is the school year done already? I swear that Olivia JUST started 6th grade. And now in 48 hours I'm going to have a 7th grader and a 4th grader? #HoldMe

Also right now my home office looks like the closet and four suitcases purged themselves all over the floor. We leave next week for a 7-day cruise and EVERYTHING I'M PACKING has taken up residence in my office.

Thankfully the mess is behind my desk so I can ignore it for another few days while catching up with work.

On the upside - summer break means VACATION and more time to blog (haha...excuse me while I laugh out loud at the theory...we all know how wonderful I am about blogging lately).

Anyway...here's to the end of the school year and summer vacations and staying up late and sleeping and ice cream and all that stuff that summer brings with it.

Monday Musings - January 25

Another Monday....more random thoughts from me. Aren't you lucky? ;)

I'm honestly viewing these posts as a way to make myself write something that isn't work-related. Why? Because I need to write. I love to write. And it's a lot easier to be passive aggressive in a blog post than on Facebook.

Kidding.
Sort of.

Anyway....

1. January. Seriously this month. It really feels like the LONGEST MONTH OF THE YEAR. Every. Single. Year. I know there are only 31 days in January - just like March, July, August, October, and December - but damn. This month just goes on forever. And I can't really dislike the month since BOTH girls celebrate January birthdays. It just feels really, REALLY long.

2. I make a ton of lists. Honestly you should see my desk right now. I have a "to do" list for work. I have several sticky notes for things I can't forget to do (one of which I already forgot to do today). I have lists in my head. It is ridiculous. So man lists, so much shit to remember. Do you ever feel like maybe you're trying to do too much?

3.I'm disturbed by the increasing lack of common courtesy online. I just don't understand why people have to be rude to others whether it is on Facebook, Twitter, or even in an email. I wish everyone would stop and think "would I say this to this person's face?" or "would I use this tone (usually the "you're an effing moron" tone) when speaking to this person face-to-face?" I'm gonna bet that NO for the most part you would not behave like that if you were face-to-face so WHY IN THE WORLD is it OK to act like that just because there is a computer/smartphone/iPad between you and the other person. Think before you hit send.

4. This is how my week usually goes:
Monday - Long list of things to do and the mindset "I have all week to do all of this stuff!"
Tuesday - Still have a lot of time. Oh look, Pinterest!
Wednesday - Oh man. Just a couple more days. Better get busy.
Thursday - Crap.
Friday - Looks like I'm working on a Friday night.
Saturday - Time to do the laundry.
Sunday - Relax. A little bit.

Here's to a stress-free week.

Writer's block

As a writer, nothing frustrates me more than writer's block.
It's my arch enemy.
The thorn in my side.
The bee in my bonnet.

It sits there, mocking me as a blinking cursor and a blank computer screen, daring me to TRY to write something, anything. And then laughing it's maniacal laugh when I sigh loudly out of pure frustration and walk away from the computer to sulk because I have nothing to say when in reality I KNOW that I have plenty to say.

That is what I've been dealing with lately.
Serious, severe, annoying writer's block.

That damn blinking cursor .... the blank text box. And the knowledge that I DO have things I want to say, but it seems that I'm incapable of putting my thoughts "down on paper."

I've been discovering over the course of the last year that when I'm feeling "good" and "happy" and haven't reached the DefCon 1 level of stress in my life, that's when the words come easily. That's when I can write and write and write and post a blog every single day. And when I'm not feeling "good" and I'm frustrated and stressed beyond belief...well that's when the words fail me.

As a writer, I'm thinking perhaps it should be the other way around, no? Shouldn't I be more inclined to write obscene amounts of blog material when I'm stressed, thereby alleviating that stress? Shouldn't writing while stressed be a lot like therapy, but without the shrinky-shrinks and medical terminology? When I'm not stressed, shouldn't I have a lot fewer things to vent write about?

Apparently that's not how my brain works. No, because it makes a lot more sense to be stressed about life and jobs and money AND not be able to write. That makes things so much easier. [insert eye roll here]

And so here I am...stressed and forcing myself to stare down this blinking cursor and write something, anything dammit.

Dear blinking cursor, you will not win. Because despite your best efforts I just wrote a blog post. About writing. So HA! Take that you annoying little blinky thing. 

And oddly enough, I feel better.
Writing really is therapeutic.
Now if only I can remind myself of this every day.

How I'm feeling today

More Pinterest wisdom for today

I saw this on Pinterest today and holy crap if it didn't speak VOLUMES to me.

Go ahead and read that statement slowly.
Then read it again.
And let it sink in.

"...choose to feel confident and adequate rather than angry and insecure."

So, I blogged last week about my new job and how excited I am about it. And all of this still rings true today - I am excited about the job. And also very nervous. Not only am I starting the new job, I am also starting another new position with a friend's congressional campaign - doing something I've NEVER done before.

One could say that I'm a big bundle of nerves right about now.

Now, truth be told, I am usually a very confident person. I usually think "oh yeah, I can totally do this" and then I just do it. And while I feel that way (for the most part) about the new social media marketing job, I am still nervous about it. And the other job? Oh holy crap...there's a whole new level of nervousness attached to that. I think I'm actually losing sleep over it.

And it's really (really) bothering me that I feel this way. I don't like feeling less-than-confident and very insecure about something. It makes me feel weak. And silly. And it makes me angry. I suppose feeling insecure is just human nature, but it's not in MY nature.

I think know that I'm smart enough.
And talented enough.
And good enough.

I KNOW I can do these jobs and do them well. I know all of this. And yet.....I'm still sitting here feeling insecure and unsure and full of doubt about my abilities.

I know it's "normal" to feel nervous before starting ANY new job. I get that. But this goes way deeper for me. I think I am fearing failure this time. I felt such anger, anxiety, frustration, and weakness after what happened with the Green Polyester Trolls, and now I think these feelings, this insane nervousness, this total fear of failure is a direct result of what I had to deal with last year.

So....

That leaves me wondering what I can do to NOT feel this way. And right now, I don't have an answer. I suppose it's just a matter of believing I can do these jobs and be successful. I need to trust in my own abilities and believe in myself more. Sometimes that just seems easier said than done.

Wish me luck. 

MAYbe (I'll post more than once this month)

Hey....look who's blogging....ME!

Ugh. Same story, different month.
So I won't even go into the details about WHY my last two posts have been photos andwere the only two posts I "wrote" during the last two weeks of April.

Maybe, I suck at blogging.
But, there might be hope for me this month....

The theme of May's NaBloPoMo... the theme is "Maybe."
As in...

Maybe I won't be so stressed all the time.
Maybe I will win the lottery.
Maybe my job won't suck the joy out of me every day.
Maybe the temperatures will finally feel like spring.
And maybe....just maybe....I'll write more than two blog posts this month.

Finding time for "just me"

Thanks to Crystal Light for sponsoring this post. To learn more about how Crystal Light can flavor your day with 30 refreshing flavors, visit http://www.facebook.com/crystallight.



See those beauties? They are my pride and joy. My reason for existing. The loves of my life.
Sure, we love our kids to the moon and back...but sometimes, we need that "mommy time out."
We need those few minutes (or a few hours) when we do something for US - without feeling guilty about it.

Regular readers of my blog know that I struggle with balancing work/home/life and that I'm not ashamed to admit it. I work full time outside the home - after spending nearly seven years either working part-time or being a SAHM, and there are many, many days when I wish I could work AT home, thinking that perhaps I'd have more "me" time.

HA! I can hear your laughter.
I don't know one mommy who ever has enough "me" time - no matter where or how you spend the hours of 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.! Every mommy is a working mommy, and we all struggle with balancing the needs of our families with our own PERSONAL needs.

My "normal" day looks like this: I'm up at 6:15 a.m. and have to get ready for work, decide what I'm wearing and what the girls are wearing to school, make sure my husband has packed Liv's lunch, and then I pack my lunch (ha! who am I kidding?) and try to figure out what we might be having for dinner that night, and hope there's enough coffee left in the pot to get me to Starbucks. By 8 a.m. Liv is on the bus, headed to school. I make it to work at 8:30 a.m. (OK, 8:45 if I stop for Starbucks) and then work until 5:30 p.m. (sometimes I have time for lunch, sometimes I don't). By the time I get home it's 6 p.m. and if I remember to thaw out something then my husband has cooked dinner (and the angels sing from the heavens). Dinner is done at 6:30 if we're lucky, but then it's time for homework with Liv (normally a struggle), then bath time, and then story time, and then if we're lucky at least one of the kids is asleep by 8 p.m. (Emma will be asleep by 8:30 ... maybe).

And then....

This is where I try my best to have about an hour or so of "me" time. Whether I'm watching a trashy reality TV show (Monday night...The Bachelor), or catching up on the pile of magazines on my coffee table, or curling up with my netbook and Twitter - this is my time.

I need this time at night to decompress, to relax, to wipe away the stresses of my day and just be ME.

During the weekend, it's harder to find time for "just me" - between conquering Mt. Washmore and grocery shopping and cleaning the house (you'd never know it if you looked at my house) - my weekends end up being about what the family needs. And I'm OK with that - I love my husband and my kids.

But sometimes I just look at the ensuing chaos in my living room and declare "That's IT! I'm going to Target. ALONE." And for one lovely hour I wander aimlessly through Target, buying things I don't need. And I feel better.

So, how do you take a moment (or two) each day just for you?

Remember, visit http://www.facebook.com/crystallight to learn more about how Crystal Light can flavor your day with 30 refreshing flavors. I was selected and paid for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

I'd like about 5 more hours in a day, thankyouverymuch

No really, I would.

I need more hours in a day.

I need my days to be about 29 hours.
Give or take an hour or two.

I have found that I don't have enough time to get things done.

Case in point - my laundry from last week is still sitting in a pile on my hope chest in my bedroom. My laundry from this week? It is in the laundry basket in the laundry room.

Yes, I realize that this is horrid housekeeping and I make no excuses. Other than, I run out of time every single day. I feel accomplished when I get Olivia's and Emma's laundry hung up and folded for the week. (And on the weeks I don't 'accomplish' that, it all goes back in the wash. With that week's "new" dirty clothes.)

Oh my gosh.
I'm totally airing my dirty laundry.
Right here.
On my blog.

Oh crap.

So there you have it.
I suck at laundry.
I'm a horrible housekeeper apparently.
It appears that my kids are lucky to have clean clothes every week.

While I'm confessing, I might as well address dinner.
I made pancakes for dinner on Monday.
And then on Tuesday we had take out.
And on Thursday we had Little Caesar's 'hot and ready' pizza.
Because I didn't want to cook.

Wow.
Apparently I also suck at the whole 'cooking for my family' thing too.

I realize I had SO MUCH MORE time to do everything I needed to do (laundry, cooking, washing the hardwood floors, watering my flowers) when I wasn't working. And it's not like The Job is a full-time gig either. I'm only at the office 24 (very long, tedious, horrid) hours every week.

That gives me two days a week when I DO have time to get stuff done.
But it seems there is always MORE to get done.
More laundry.
More cooking.
More paying the bills
More Swiffering dog hair off the hardwood floors. (Every. Single. Day.)

And quite frankly, I'm tired.
Very tired.*
And no, I don't want to fold laundry at 8 o'clock at night.

I used to have the whole bill paying thing on a schedule.
I have been a bit forgetful lately.
I've had to pay some bills online at the last minute because I FORGOT to mail them in time.
Don't even get me started on this blog.
Dear blog, I am so sorry for neglecting you. For an entire week.

Holy crow.

I am a train wreck.
I'm unorganized.
I'm stressed.
I've got more gray hair than ever before.
My day planner needs a day planner.

I think I need to relax.
Breathe.
Calm down.
And realize that I am NOT supermom.
Nor will I ever be supermom.
Sometimes the laundry won't get folded. And we will have breakfast for dinner.
And I might even skip a day of Swiffering. Maybe.
I can't do it all.

But, Olivia told me today that I'm "the best mom ever" and well, that's good enough for me.
Laundry be damned.


*And no, I am not asking for sympathy here. I'm merely venting. On my blog. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Wait and see

I had my second interview today.

Overall, I think it went well.
I hope.
I'm trying to remember if I said anything really stupid.
I'm also hoping I didn't sound as dumb as I felt.

I'm sure you can understand when I say interviewing for jobs is kind of like visiting the seventh level of hell.

I hate interviews.
I fear that I always sound like a complete and total moron.
(Who knows? Maybe I DO sound exactly like a moron and that, my dear readers, is why I am still unemployed. HA!)

I think (no, I know) it's the questions they ask.
And the answers I try to give.

My favorite: "What are your strengths and weaknesses?"
Really.
Strengths? That's easy peasy. I like to tell them that I'm a good writer and editor, that I have a killer attention to detail and I'm a perfectionist.

But weaknesses? This I'm not so good at answering. I don't like to think about being 'weak' at anything. So I tend to say that sometimes I'm too much of a perfectionist (and we all know too much of a good things can be troublesome, right?). Oy. It's a STUPID answer, I know. But I can't very well say that I have a weakness for Starbucks and chocolate and can never pass up either of those things, now can I?

Another one I love is when they ask what I would bring to the job?
Obviously my mad skills are at the top of the list. (LOL).
Oh and my charm and wit and the overwhelming hilarity that ensues whenever I tell a joke.
DUH.

I'd like to say "What do YOU think I'll bring to this job?" But you can't really turn the tables like that can ya? (Not unless you want to keep collecting unemployment).
So I say something about creativity, fresh thinking, mad writing/editing skills, etc. (For the record ... I also bring a candy dish that is ALWAYS full of candy. Good candy. I think that is VERY important, don't you?)

The whole process just makes me queasy.
But now it's over and done and I just have to wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And maybe, if I'm really lucky, I'll get a phone call at the end of the week telling me that I have a new job.

One can only hope.